from the edge of the deep green sea

Dear HSBC,

I would like to start this letter by going straight to the point: FUCK YOU.

Ok, now that we have that clear, let me explain the many reasons why I detest you and the only reason why I keep using your stupid ass services.

First off, out of the blue you are forcing people this year to update their data on your databases. If people simply fail to do so, you close their accounts. And if people do update their data, you also close their fucking accounts. Happened to me while on a trip after wasting 30 minutes of my life at your bank. I submitted all requested information only to find that a week after my bank account and credit card had been frozen.

The funny part about this that the ONLY motherfucking reason I use your bank is because I have a VISA that covers my medical expenses when I travel if I buy the ticket with it. And suddenly, I’m far away with a VISA that does not work – in other words, you left me without traveller’s insurance, assholes.

Needless to say, I could not access my online account and it was blocked after 3 attempts to log in. Today, I got my pin back and when I am at your page I read the message that now, we, your fucking customers, must use your virtual keyboard. If you were attempting to create a feature in your online page that cause people to scream obscenities to their computer screens, kudos, my friends – you have excelled in creating the worst user interface EVER:

Whoever thought of this idea show have have their testicles removed and shoved down their throat. And whoever implemented the numeric keypad, well, what can I say:

I guess that’s how they count up in Stupidville. Also, if you press the “shift” key, is there some kind of visual that lets the user know what’s going on? Of course not. So now, when I am trying to change my password, not only does it take me 10x the time that it did before, but now it’s 5x easier to make a typo. Aarrrggghhh!!!

And I know what you are thinking, you are doing this to be more “secure”. Right, and did you even stop for a second to think how annoying this would be to the end user? This about does it with me and your shit-for-brains bank. I’ll call AMEX and see if the offer some kind of similar traveller insurance. I will only get closure from this sickening relationship once I send you all to hell, but I believe you are already there and you drag all your customers with you.

Oh, and yeah, I almost forgot: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!!!!

I’m on hold right now with HP Customer Support, I’ve been on the phone for 20 minutes (and counting) and I’ve been transferred THREE times already. I’ve been patient and I’ve been tying not to scream at the person on the phone. Allow me to elaborate.

On April 21st, 2009 I bought an HP Pavilion HDX16-1140US computer from Amazon. After using it for 7 days, I felt the computer was not for me, so I sold it to a friend here in Costa Rica. I get a call about 3 months later telling me that the computer won’t turn on, she brings it over and it’s pretty much dead.

I call HP and ask them to have it serviced in Latin America. They say “yes, as long as there are parts, we’ll service it” and they give me a LATAM phone number. I call the next day and they tell me “no, you bought it in the US, you must service it in the US”, which is 100% bullshit (Apple honors their warranty ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD).

So I’m told that I should call them back once I am in the States so they can send me a box for return and I’m like “ok, I’ll call you”. A friend of mine is traveling this Thursday and I thought I’d send the computer with him and end this nightmare.

Once more call with HP and this is their final say:

Since you bought the computer through a reseller, you will need to contact them, so they will receive your computer and have it serviced through us.

What? Are you telling me I waited THREE FUCKING months in vain waiting for HP to tell me they are not responsible for their shitty computers and their joke of a warranty? And then the representative has the nerve to tell me:

“You have to understand sir, that we cannot honor warranties when items are sold through a reseller, if you had a company…”

At that moment I interrupted and told her “please don’t BS me, Apple sells their computers through Amazon and they honor their warranty, unlike you”.

So this is my hell, I’ve wasted so many cycles trying to get this fucking joke of a company to honor their motherfucking warranty and I am tired, frustrated, and completely done for with this.

My next step is writing an Amazon review so that buyers can be aware that when they buy HP products from Amazon.

Bottom line: avoid HP products at all, not only do they break after 5 months of usage but the company that manufactures them fails to take responsibility for their crappy products.

Oh, and to answer the question:

What do HP’s warranties and the Easter bunny have in common?

Well, they both are figments of your fucking imagination.

BTW, I did not made the image for this post, someone beat me to it.

Update October 20, 2009 08:33: Amazon informs me that they cannot honor the warranty, that I have to call Hewlett Packard.

I like using Amazon because 3rd party sellers will do all in their power to receive a great review. I usually write great reviews from sellers that fill in their part of the deal and usually rate like crap those that don’t.

Last July I was short on time while visiting a friend in the US and I wanted to get me an ‘El Gato H264 Encoder’. So I placed my order with Caiman. I read their shipping policies and everything seemed fine:

Sellers agree to ship within 2 business days of your purchase. Expected transit times for each shipping method are listed below.

On July 13th, I placed my order. I sent an e-mail making sure everything was fine on the 17th and I got this back:

We are experiencing a delay in fulfilling your order. The ETA for your item is (07/23/2009). We apologize for the inconvenience. If at any time you would like to cancel the order, please visit us at…

Now isn’t that nice? I understand things run out of stock every now and then, but if you know there is going to be a delay, the very least you can do is alert the client ASAP so that he can either wait, or cancel the order. But no, Caiman waits for the customer to query about the order to let them know there is a problem.

Long story short, I cancelled the order and because of this, I could not rate their shitty service. I have already filed a complaint with Amazon with them because what they did is a violation of merchants at Amazon. If that is not enough, I hope someone finds this and thinks twice before ordering from them.