Regrets – I’ve had a few

March 21st, 2014

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One of the few things that I miss in my life is smoking.  Just writing that word, ‘smoking’, gives me the chills as it reminds me the sweet perfection that it was giving my body what it had become addicted to.  Oh that sweet, sweet feeling.  Not to mention the taste of a cigarette with a coffee…better than sex, some might say.

To this day, I have no idea how long it has been since I quit smoking.  I always say 13 as knee jerk reaction as is the thought that 10 years ago was 1990.

You know what I miss about smoking?  The 10 minutes of deep meditation it provided when I smoked alone. It was 10 minutes to myself…I puffed, and I killed myself bit after bit, but those 10 minutes were mine to think and think and think.  They were magical.  And I miss them.

Ironically, today at the gym while trying to undo the damage of gelato, wine, and beer, I had that moment.  I disconnected completely from everyone, and I managed to get that feeling back again.  It was good, and  kept thinking of stupid shit, kinda back then when I was doing something analogous to licking cyanide pills.

Today I thought : “what are my regrets in life”?  I always said that I’d love to go to the grave with that feeling of “I regret nothing”, that everything I ever did, as stupid as may be, served a purpose in the long run; somewhat stepping into the “fate” territory, if you will.  But you know these are just comfort thoughts to make you feel better with your life.  If you have no regrets in your life, I reckon you have not appreciated the enduring process of getting older and evolving.

So what are they?  This is what 10 minutes of non-nicotine did today to me:

  1. Being insecure – this is the root of so many problems in life.  Not to say I am 100% secure to this day, but I look back and I look at someone weak, who remained quiet and took shit because…well, just because.   This really had a snowball effect, and it was until later in life that a series of fortunate events made me wash all that shit away.  Again , I am not saying I am the most secure person in the world, but I think I am eons away from that insecure person I was.
  2. Not appreciating college – this one is the one that makes me go back and kick myself in the ass time and time again.  I had an amazing opportunity of studying abroad, but the partying, procrastination, etc. – what a wasted opportunity.  When I did not understood something in class, I refrained from asking (see point #1 above).  I even ignored the possibility of talking with the teacher/TA on office hours b/c I was afraid.  Do you get how fucking crazy that is?  I had the opportunity to clear my doubts with a subject matter expert and I was afraid to.  Fucked up shit.
  3. Giving a shit to what people think: It’s unavoidable: we’re social and we care about what others think.  The extent to which we allow this to influence our lives can really have an eduring effect.  When going through puberty/adolescence, this is oftentimes unavoidable.  But carry that luggage with you after that and you are bound to have a shitty time.  It is so damn relieving to not giving a flying fuck to what people think.  I wish I had that superpower back in the day.
  4. Not Exercising: Again, college.  There was a free huge gym, with future professionals to be in the field of physical education to assist you in following a program and becoming healthier and stronger.  I NEVER set a foot on such place, I was scrawny and….(fuck, I am seeing a pattern here) insecure.

I am going to stop at this point.  For starters, I’m out of wine, and secondly, you can see that everything I’ve pointed out above boils down to insecurity.

Is insecurity a stage in everyone’s life that we must endure or assimilate?  Is that victory what ultimately makes us happy?  It took a long time for me to get over it, and I can say that I have never been happier in my life; but that could be attributed to the upgrade from nicotine to crack-cocaine.

File:Krays

No, I am not one of them.  I wish I could’ve coined the term, but it is from Morrissey, the ex-singer from the best British band that ever existed. I’ve been listening today to this song on repeat today for no apparent reason.  Besides the song having amazing drums, I always thought it it had something in it, thought it had to do with something we could do to attract someone we were always keen on, especially the lyrics:

I AM NOT NATURALLY EVIL
Such things I do Just to make myself
More attractive to you HAVE I FAILED?

I then wondered who were the people that Moz (we’re good friends, I can call him that) was referring to:

Reggie Kray – do you know my name?
Ronnie Kray – do you know my face?

Back in high school (yes, I’m that old) I had no reference to find these names…I could’ve got to the library and done some reserach, but serioulsy, the library?  Fuck the library.

Anyways, Reggie Kray and Ronnie Kray were two twin brothers, English gangsters who did their fair share of havok back in the 50′s.  And then it hit me: the song is of a copycat killer trying to gain fame from these two, and asking them in their grave, if he had succeeded in becoming “more attracted to them” by following their footsteps.

Further inspection of the lyrics are an obvious giveaway, but I guess I was too lost trying to find an alternate meaning…you have to admit that being the last of the famous international playboys is not a dead giveaway of being a serial killer :-)

In our lifetime those who kill
The newsworld hands them stardom

Creepy?  Absolutely.  Queer?  Not as much as Morrissey himself on the video I saw today for the first time today.  Long live Moz! :-)

Call me a nostalgic fool, but I like to look at old photographs when I’m away from home.  Photos can be tricky – it depends on the mood, the place, and the alcohol level in your bloodstream that makes you appreciate something more than before.

Today, this shattered my world in two:

 

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That is Kía sitting at the table and demanding (not waiting) for her portion of non-dog-food to be served to her hastily.

Due to my traveling, my mom and dad have taken care of Kía ever since I left…This was about a year ago, and now Kía and Max (kía’s brother) were “adopted” by my parents.  My dad has taken it to next level with the dogs.  I don’t know to this day if this is an age issue, but he’s grown obsessed to the point that he defends these dogs with his life.   He has also gone through the trouble of undoing any type of obedience I ever gave these dogs.  This, has unfortunately been a constant confrontational issue…but today, as they say, I saw the light.

I just took a glimpse at Kía’s photo above, and I felt her so damn close and I succumbed in accepting my dad’s “craziness”.  The way he treats these dogs is just a reciprocal action on how much these dogs love him.  I don’t think there is anything as pure as the love of a dog towards you, the communication efforts they go through to let you know how they feel, and the never-tiring ecstatic happiness routine they pull when you have been gone 5 minutes as if it had even 100 years is just fucking priceless.

I have taken this for granted, and it breaks me apart, once more, that it’s not my dad going ape-shit over these dogs; but rather myself becoming cold and used to the most sincere love there I could possibly be exposed to.

Touché Dad, you were right again and again.

trth-hrtz

Today I caught up with a friend whom I hadn’t touch base with for quite some time.  We met for lunch without watching the clock, we tried to see what had happened with each others’ lives.

I asked about her relationship and the answer was far from good.  While she was explaining the reasons and ended up with “what do you think”, I only thought to myself:

DO NOT SAY WHAT YOU THINK, DO NOT FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU THINK

Luckily, I was on beer #2 and I did stay put.  Not a single word of truthfulness was spoken from my mouth.  All I said were lies, on how things could change for the best, on how it was too quick to judge, and blah blah blah.

I know far too well how the story unfolds.  If I say one milligram of truth, that is enough for her (or anybody in a relationship) to blather it out later on to their significant other.  My name will eventually come up and I will be to blame for the whole ordeal.  They will then reconcile, and suddenly I’m the real asshole.  It sounds surreal, but I’ve seen it happen before.

I was just preparing dinner and the conversation came back to my mind.  If I could back, would I change my response if I knew that it would help her be happier in the long run?

I’ll let  Depeche Mode’s Policy of Truth address it:

You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

 

 

Hyperpower

August 14th, 2011

I’ve written about 6 unsuccessful entries in the last few weeks – they all fucking blow.  I think I’ve lost it my friends, this is the worst writer’s block I’ve had in years.

Even though I’ve been in Costa Rica for more than a week, I’ve found it really difficult to get aggravated or annoyed, and this is seriously starting to bother me.    What the hell is happening?  Have I mellowed down or have I simply reached ambivolence towards it all in the sad realization that nothing will ever change in this country?

Really messed up stuff, I know.  In case you were wondering, the title of this post is the song I was listening by NIN from “Year Zero”, an album which I am finding incredibly exquisite 4 years after I behemntly criticized Trent Reznor for creating it…what the hell was I thinking back then…

 

My bottle of wine is almost over and so is my “awake” time after trying to stay up after a massive jetlag. I could not possibly go to bed without splattering my brains out with one of the most incredible songs by “The National” ever: “Think you can wait”

This is a single following their album “High Violet”, which to this day continues to be one of my favorite albums of all times. I first heard this song far away in Singapore, somewhat vulnerable and baffled about the mysteries of life and its consequences, I was gripped by its meaning, embalmed by its music, and haunted by its lyrics:

What I’m thinking is simple
I’ll sell apples and ice water at the temple
I won’t make trouble

About the true meaning of the song, I really don’t know. It’s been mentioned on YouTube that this was Beringer’s reaction to the film “Win-Win” about “very normal and good people trying to do their best and the struggle to be good”, but fuck that – I think it’s way deeper than that (maybe it will make sense after watching the movie, but that guy from “Sideways” is a bit hard to digest IMHO)

I gave up interpreting the lyrics…other than the obvious “waiting game” we play in life for whatever reason makes life living for…all I need is the music, the female backup vocals – which never had I heard before in a National song, and a reason…truly gripping, emotional, and once again, a very very haunting song by the makers of everything that kick ass in this universe.

Cheers! :)

I was drifting, crying

I was looking for an island

I was slipping under

I’ll pull the devil down with me one way or another

I’m out of my mind; think you can wait?

I’m way off the line; think you can wait?

We’ve been running a sleepless run

Been away from the baby way too long

We’ve been holding a good night gone

We’ve been losing our exits one by one

I’m out of my mind; think you can wait?

I’m way off the line; think you can wait?

Did I?

(all I have is all)

Think you can wait?

Did I?

(all I have is all)

Think you can wait?

What I’m thinking is simple

I’ll sell apples and ice water at the temple

I won’t make trouble

I’ll pull the devil down with me one way or another

We’ve been running a sleepless run

Been away from the baby way too long

We’ve been holding a good night gone

We’ve been losing our exits one by one

I’ll try.

I’ll try, but I couldn’t be better.

(all I have is all)

I’ll try, but I couldn’t be better.

(all I have is all)

I’ll try, but I couldn’t be better.

(all I have is all)


Some parting words…from 2010

December 30th, 2010

If you frequent this blog, you clearly must have become accustomed with the pattern involved here. Everything has a pattern, my friends, and this is no exception. I’ve been reading my old posts all the way from 2006 and just like The The’s “This is the Day” song, I can only think:

“you smile and think how much you’ve changed”.

In some particular cases, I’ve identified some of my posts as being completely vile-driven…apparently there was a time in my life where everything pissed me off. Religion, Costa Rican government, animal abuse – you name it, something always pissed the crap out of me. Nowadays, I look at all these issues and all I can say is “this is it, fuck it, it is what it is” (thanks María for pointing me to one of life’s most valuable lessons):

I’ve been kept incredibly busy for the last year or so with work, and in the midst of traveling and living what I deem is a “good life”, I’ve unintentionally grown apart from all those negative aspects that pissed me off. I know this sounds like I’ve given up on fighting for what I believe in, but quite frankly there was never a war to fight in, some causes are lost since their inception, and I do not plan on revisiting issues that simply should not matter (and I know this is the worst run-on sentence in the world and I have no intention of fixing it…this is it…).

I am also not saying that I’m in peace with everything in the universe – no, I will not turn into a fucking Paulo Cohelo zombie (not against “glass is half-full” people, but their optimism can oftentimes be quite aggravating). I know and acknowledge that life is not always what we want it to be; hell, oftentimes it really feels like the whole freakin’ universe is trying to bring down your sails…but…that’s life. This is exactly what Ronny, an avid GT reader and good friend left as a comment a while back (this is from Rocky, mind you):

“You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward”

You play the cards that life hands you and you move on. Period. As far as making the right choices, it’s again up to you. If you think that following an old scripture and blindly obeying these laws will make you a better person, you are wrong. If you put your gray matter to good use without setting aside what your heart tells you, then rest assured you will be on the right path. In a nutshell, I think it all boils down to helping anyone when you can (a simple random act of kindness will do) and definitely not pulling any kind of shit you would not want anyone to pull on you. Oh, and speaking of good advice, this video (thanks Manginho) pretty much has the best advice in the world, ties a knot in my throat every time I see it:

That being said, I am sure I will not stop bitching every now and then. If am in Costa Rica I will most likely turn into the vile-driven monster that I’m trying to steer clear from and that really puts a lot of questions in my head at this point in my life; but that’s for me to ponder.

It is now time to leave all worries behind, at least for a day. It’s time to once again live up to resolutions that we’ll never accomplish, to eat, drink and be merry before our scales reminds that it’s time to hit the gym (again), and most importantly, to cherish the moments with those we love RIGHT NOW, because time, as we all know…can pretty much be an asshole.

Hope everyone’s 2011 will kick as much ass as mine, cheers! :)