from the edge of the deep green sea

It is often said that a herd of buffalo is as fast as its slowest buffalo. This means that the efficiency, safety, and well-being of an entire buffalo herd can be compromised by one sole member. In Costa Rica, in terms of services we have been moving as slow as a turtle high on pot. See, for whatever reason, we are big fans of monopolies here: the company that deals with telecommunications, the insurance company, and the company that services Internet needs are all government owned and have zero competition. Zero. Zip. Nada.  We like monopolies so much that even our beer company is a monopoly.  And we are happy about this.  We have 5 beers that are made from the exact same materials yet we are fooled into believing that there is variety.  Bullshit.

A world without competition is a world in which no motivation exists to push forwards and innovate. Why on Earth would you care if your customers are happy with your service if they have nowhere else to go? Where is the striving force that tells your employees to push forwards and try to be the best?  There is none, because they are the best.  And they are also the worst.  And the customers are the only ones that suffer from all of this sick, twisted, and self-diluted mentality of ‘progress’.

I double triple fuckin’ dare you to try and obtain a new cellular line here in Costa Rica.  You will have to go to the National Institute of Electricity (ICE), make a big ass line, be greeted by a bureaucratic employee who hates his/her job, and who will inform you that you forgot to bring requisite ‘X’, which no one pointed out when you inquired.  And even if you had ingredient ‘X’, you’d be on a queue to request a telephone line.  I know there is no point of comparison, but I can’t say I don’t envy the simplicity of walking into and AT&T store in the United States and walk out with a telephone line 5 minutes afterwards.  No lines, no stupid prerequisites, no bullshit.  And if I don’t like AT&T, I’d give T-Mobile a shot, and so on.   Ah, the beauty of competition – if ONLY.

A big issue a while back was when the president of our country, who lacked the balls to make a decision, turned the whole decision of approving CAFTA (Central America Free Trade Association) into a referendum.  One of the big turning points for some people was the fact that it would allow telecommunication companies to offer their services in Costa Rica.  I swear I heard an angelical chorus when I heard it.  But long after CAFTA was approved, we are still stuck and it’s not gonna happen in one day.  AFAIK, foreign companies will have to rent out ICE’s equipment to see if it’s worth coming into Costa Rica, so don’t hold your breath to wait until we have some sort of decent telecommunication here.

And this brings me to @celera, a “high” speed Internet service offered by ICE, where the only requisites are having a telephone line and have no urgency at all to use the Internet.  I went to ICE’s offices about a month ago and requested the service.  Today is February 13th and nothing has happened.  I’ve called 3 times and they’ve been giving me a lame excuse every time I call.  The latest being that no new installations will take place until they adjust the new speed settings because they are understaffed.  Understaffed?  I think it’s more ‘overstaffed with lazy motherfuckers who don’t give a rats ass about performing because no one will fire them”.

Thinking I’ve had enough of this bullshit, I called Amnet last Saturday.  On Monday a representative visited to sign the contract and today Friday I am getting cable modem.  I would say “HA!, take that government, up yours!”, but unfortunately 50% of the bill I pay goes to the government, so it’s actually the government saying “HA HA Grumpytico, regardless of what you do, all your money are belong to us.  For Great Justice!” (sorry for the cheesy Zero Wing reference, could not resist).

Even though this will cost me more because the cable modem service depends on Cable TV option (+$25), I don’t think I regret my decision.  If you Google Costa Rica’s National Newspaper, La Nacion, and query for the term @celera, you won’t find any news articles on how good the service is.  You would instead find an assload of letters from dissatisfied customers.  Furthermore, many of these letters are from customers wannabes like myself, who are dying to give them money but due to their inefficiency and lack of self-improvement will never see a fucking dime from our end.

So here are my 2 cents, another complaint that will not affect the situation, because, just like Bruce Hornsy sings “that’s just the way it is – some things will never change”.  The good thing about this hate building up is the fact that everyone wants ICE to go down in flames.  When, and if, any competition comes into the game, they will most likely get a plethora of customers and that will be a day in which I will sit with a Gin an Tonic in my hand watching ICE go down with a big fucking smile on my face.  Until then, godspeed, my fellow frustrated Costa Rica Internet users.