As the Blond Dreaded Man Walks Into the Pizza Bar

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My friend Jeff invited me to dinner today. I received the email yesterday and, amongst many topics, included information about the where, the whom, and the time. As I caught the bus to the restaurant (a nice, cheap pizza restaurant in the vicinity of Oxford Street) I checked the email again to make sure I was on time. And then it hit me, I had completely missed the “whom”.

I am meeting Clifton and Judy at Mad Pizza in Crown Street at 7pm

How could I have been so blind? How could I had not seen that Judy was joining us? I started to panic…I was too lazy to go back home and cook something, I was already in “drink and dine” mode. Should I just cope with Judy in order to enjoy a meal? Fuck it, I’m on the bus, how bad could it be?

I met Judy last year on a trip to a farm. She is very nice, but unfortunately she is one of those people who has no filter with what they think and what comes out of their mouth. Not in the way that she just speaks out rubbish – she doesn’t. She is very well-educated and I am sure she has a better grasp of current issues, arts, and all those things I just couldn’t give two fucks about. It’s just that way that she has conversations, which basically means barging in, interrupting, and taking off with whatever you were trying to say. Even if that whatever was the answer to the question she asked you three seconds ago.

At times conversation felt like an never-ending interrogation to other people on the table. “So where’s your trip in July?” And before Jeff could manage to squeeze the answer in the small window of time that he knew he was allowed by Judy, she struck back with yet another question. Is she even listening? Is she formulating the questions as the answer is given? And if so, is she even paying attention the the answer itself?

Then came the pizza. “at long last!”, I thought. “She has to chew the bloody pizza and that means no talking, right?” Dead wrong.

I asked Clifton to retell his story about the lost passport. I thought this time around he would be able to tell it without interruptions. Mind you, the story had been told 5 minutes before and I had just given up. I felt my head balloon to the sky and I just spaced out watching people in the street. This blond-dreaded man walked into the pizza bar with his girlfriend and I thought on how stupid he looked. Dreads are not mean for white people, didn’t he watch the sequel to the Matrix with the twin albino brothers? Anyways, by the time I landed back to Earth, I realized I missed the whole godamn thing, AGAIN.

And I just then veered off some more. It was like codeine to my aggravated state of mind. I thought of writing an app that would just listen and give you at the end of the dinner, an in-depth analysis of the conversation breakdown per-person.

  • Judy has spoken for 95% of the evening
  • Judy has acquired an achievement: “Insanely Irreverent Interrupter”

The pie-charts would be outstanding, and the stats that could be harvested from this would just be glorious. Now how would I be able to discern whose voice belonged to whom? I would probably have to take some Uni courses and research just this particular topic.

What’s that? Check is here? About fucking time. Nevermore, Judy, nevermore.

 

 

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