This Explains it all: Satan is the ruler of the World

By With 7 Comments

Today, while playing with my dog outside, I saw a flyer tucked in the gates.  Thinking that it was a bill, I fetched it (my dog still does not know how to do this trick) and then I realized this was no bill at all.  When I started reading, I thought it was the movie synapse of the next Harry Potter movie: invisible evil entities, test of will, contacting the dead.  Fuck, I was sold, I had to watch this movie!  But then, I realized that it was a pamphlet based on bible passages that explains why the world is all fucked up.  Bummer.

I thought, what the hell, maybe today this pamphlet will shine on my life and I will become a more tolerant person with a smile on my in face in a world of shit.  I read it and it did not happen, but I had a good time.  In case you are unfortunate enough to never receive this literary piece of bullshit based on the good book of bullshit, I’ll try to summarize what it said.

It started actually pretty damn good, it raised the question “Why is the world so fucked up if there are so many people with good intentions?  Why is it that there are wars around the world and we are killing each other?”.  Thinking that I was going to read something rational , I proceeded looking for the wise answer:

There is a very intelligent being that is invisible and controls the minds of people to do these deeds (hint: it is no Lord Voldermort, because the fucker is not invisible).

Ok, so let me get this: it is not good to only believe in one invisible imaginary friend but now we have to believe in two?  Oh come on!

Satan once tried to trick Jesus and took him to very tall mountain.  He showed the good man all of the world’s kingdoms and said “Everything the light touches is ours”.

No, no.  Wait, that was from the Lion King.  Which is completely different because the Lion King is fiction.  He actually said something like:

All of this is yours if you succumb to me [10:01 a.m. EARTHQUAKE AS I AM  TYPING THIS, must be the wrath of god] and adore me.  Jesus said “go away Satan” and Satan left (what a wuss).

The pamphlet raises a super important assertion based on facts and facts alone:

Would the devil offered Jesus all these kingdoms if they weren’t his?

HA!   Touche bible, touche.  But wait.  Are you telling me that Jesus could have grasped all of the lands from the devil, and change it so that it would be a perfect place and he did not do it because of pride?  Asshole!

So Mr. pamphlet explains that the devil is the real ruler of the world, and hence, it is all fucked up.  And god, who is super mega powerful, does not take it away from him because…because…no, it does not explain that part, I guess I’ll have to wait for the sequel.

I can’t say I don’t enjoy mocking these things, it is indeed a guilty pleasure and I think this is the first time I approach the bible in this blog from a mocking perspective.  Why did I do this?  It’s simple.  The day these people start shoving these stupid, senseless bullshit stories in my house, is the day that I will repack this shit with a triple shot of reality and a side order of pwnage. Believe in whatever the fuck you want, but keep it to yourself.

In case you are a fan of Harry Potter movies, you’ll have blast in the website that is responsible for delivering this message:

Comments (7)

  1. Ronny January 9, 2009

    Dude i really enjoy your posts they are just hilarious… I’m worried someone might get in your way:

  2. grumpytico January 9, 2009

    @Ronny: Glad to see you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them 🙂

    Sucks about Internet, censorship. Censorship is never good in any way or form and is usually a sign that someone with a very narrow and hermetic mind is behind it all.

  3. Eve January 17, 2009

    Chris, you know I believe in God. Reading this post made me laugh and then I felt guilty. :0

  4. grumpytico January 17, 2009

    @Eve: No worries, I’m pretty sure of there is a supreme being, he knows it’s all in good fun – or so I hope 😉

  5. […] anything religious, but unfortunately it is not possible. If I go outside my house, I’ll find stashes of paper revealing how it’s going to be the end of the world and I should repent. Or just yesterday, I am reading through Twitter and Will posted this […]

  6. Farmerchamp September 11, 2009

    Mae buenisimo el comentario, que cague de risa con la vara del terremoto, a la biblia le han metido demasiada mano, cada quien lo interpreta como quiera y obvio los religiosos con tal de buscar fans (a huevo) se aprovechan de meter miedo a traves del pisuicas!!! tuanis mop

  7. grumpytico September 11, 2009


    Eso es exactamente lo que pasa…la pobre Biblia es simplemente un libro que ha sido utilizado como herramienta de las religión católica para difundir miedo. Gracias por darse la vuelta mop!

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